Bat-Boy

Separating fact from fiction

One of the most misunderstood individuals of our time, Bat Boy is truly a remarkable individual.  Always willing to help those in need, one cannot help but wonder why he is constantly pursued by law-enforcement officials in every corner of the globe.

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The time has come to acknowledge one of the most heroic and controversial figures in our country today.  From saving a brigade of Royal Marines while under heavy fire to endorsing the Gore campaign to falling in love with Jenna Bush, Bat Boy is truly an extraordinary individual.  While being a fugitive almost since knowledge of his existence has been known, Bat Boy has incurred an almost cult following through his altruistic actions and hilarious antics.

The story of Bat Boy dates back to his discovery by researchers in West Virginia.  Initial attempts to study this rare individual met with total failure as Bat Boy has proven exceedingly difficult to confine and escaped in short order.  After escaping, Bat Boy quickly signed to serve his country with the United States Marine Corps and was promptly sent to Afghanistan.  While in country, Bat Boy nearly won the war all by himself.  Deep behind enemy lines, he killed a number of terrorists during a reconnaissance mission that culminated with a sword duel against none other than Osama Bin Laden.

Upon completion of his tour of duty, Bat Boy then became politically active and assisted Al Gore on numerous occasions.  It was during this time that Bat Boy became smitten with Jenna Bush.  The UT campus police and the Secret Service attempted to keep the two love-birds apart, but to no avail.

With the invasion of Iraq, Bat Boy was again asked to serve his country which he did with distinction.  While on a roaming patrol, Bat Boy encountered an ambush designed to wipe out a battalion of Royal Marines.  Though outnumbered over a hundred to one, Bat Boy kept his calm and fought back the attackers.  In honor of his heroism in the face of the enemy, Bat Boy is to be knighted by none other than Her Majesty herself.

Once again released from the service, Bat Boy spread his wings to see the world.  In a stolen Mini-Cooper, Bat Boy led police on a three-week chase that covered 4 continents, from driving across the shuttle launch pad in Florida to off-roading through nude beaches in the same Mini-Cooper to running into the Leaning Tower of Pisa.  Once again, Bat Boy became the most-wanted fugitive world wide. 

Unable to capture their elusive prey, law enforcement officials instead politely requested that he desist in flaunting the law.  Bat Boy, ever the conscientious citizen agreed.

401 words, not counting title.

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The time has come to acknowledge one of the most heroic and controversial figures in our country today.  From saving a brigade of Royal Marines while under fire to endorsing the Gore campaign and still finding time to fall in love with the President’s daughter, Bat Boy is truly an extraordinary individual.  Even though he has been a fugitive almost since his arrival on the world scene, Bat Boy has an almost cult following through his altruistic actions and hilarious antics.

The story of Bat Boy dates back to his discovery by researchers in West Virginia.  Initial attempts to study this rare individual met with total failure as Bat Boy has proven exceedingly difficult to confine and has always eluded his captors in short order.  After his escape, Bat Boy quickly decided to serve his country through the United States Marine Corps.  Promptly sent to Afghanistan, Bat Boy nearly won the war all by himself.  Deep behind enemy lines, he killed countless terrorists during a reconnaissance mission that culminated in a duel with swords against none other than Osama Bin Laden himself.

Upon completion of his tour of duty, Bat Boy then became politically active and assisted Al Gore on numerous occasions through fund-raising and occasionally, intimidation.  It was during this time that Bat Boy fell in love with Jenna Bush.  The UT campus police and the Secret Service attempted to keep the two love-birds apart, but to no avail.  Bat Boy abruptly ended the relationship once Jenna’s true colors became known and he is currently one of the most eligible bachelors in the country.

With the invasion of Iraq, Bat Boy was again asked to serve his country which he did with distinction.  While on a roaming patrol, Bat Boy encountered an ambush designed to wipe out a battalion of Royal Marines.  Though outnumbered over a hundred to one, Bat Boy kept his calm and fought back the attackers.  In honor of his heroism in the face of the enemy, Bat Boy is to be knighted by Her Majesty herself.

Once again released from the service, Bat Boy spread his wings to see the world.  In a stolen Mini-Cooper, Bat Boy led police on a three-week chase that covered 4 continents, from driving across the shuttle launch pad in Florida to off-roading through American Samoa’s nude beaches in the same Mini-Cooper to running into the Leaning Tower of Pisa.  Once again, Bat Boy became the most-wanted fugitive world wide. 

Unable to capture their elusive prey, law enforcement officials instead politely requested that he desist in flaunting the law.  Bat Boy, ever the conscientious citizen, agreed.

While his current whereabouts are unknown, there can be no doubt that should humanity ever need a hero in the face of evil, Bat Boy will again step forward for all that is good in the world.

484 Words, not counting title

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            The time has come to acknowledge one of the most beneficial individuals of our time.  He’s not Koffi Anna, George Bush or Tony Blair but his effect is just as profound.  His name is Bat Boy and he’s on a mission to preserve freedom, justice and the American way.

            From his discovery by researchers in a New England cave, Bat Boy has taken the world by storm.  From busting up the Taliban to stealing a Mini-Cooper to his infamous duel with Bin Laden, Bat Boy has captivated a nation.

            Shortly after his discovery and only fourteen at the time, Bat Boy signed on with the Marines and was promptly shipped off to Afghanistan.  Assigned to a Special Forces unit, Bat Boy led raids against key targets, one of which led to Bat Boy welding a sword against none other than Osama Bin Laden himself. 

            After hostilities ended, Bat Boy was released from the service and decided to see the world.  Lacking an understanding of what is and is not legal; Bat Boy “procured” a Mini-Cooper, which led to a car chase across five continents including nude beaches in American Samoa.  Unable to catch their elusive prey, police around the world cordially requested that Bat Boy desist in flaunting the law.  Ever the conscientious citizen, Bat Boy agreed.

            After the terrorist attacks of September eleventh, Bat Boy was again called to defend his country which he did with distinction.  While on a scouting mission, Bat Boy happened upon an ambush intended for a division of Royal Marines.  Unwilling to allow harm to come upon America’s closest allies, Bat Boy took it upon himself to destroy the Iraqis thereby saving countless Royal Marines.   For his heroism in the face of certain death, Bat Boy was knighted by none other than Her Majesty herself.

            While the whereabouts of Sir Bat Boy are currently unknown, there can be little doubt that in our time of need, Sir Bat Boy will again take it upon himself to defend all that America stands for.

338 Words, not counting title